(3 of 4) Great listening: Be active and it will open doors

It’s not enough to listen without saying anything.

I once stayed at an Airbnb hosted by a couple with their adult children living in the house. One morning I was reading news on my phone in the kitchen, and one of the daughters walked in. I kept to myself at first, but eventually, we broke the silence and I decided to put my phone down and practice what’s known as “active listening.” Half an hour later I knew all about her difficulties with her dad, how he still enforces a curfew even though she’s well into her twenties, and how it’s difficult to move out when living on your own is so expensive. It was as if she had been bottling this up and never had a forum to express it until now.

She stopped as if she realized that she was doing all the talking, thanked me, and asked if there was anything she could do for me. The reward from the look of gratitude on her face was all I needed. This was one of the few times I felt like I listened well. It’s hard for a lot of people, myself included. But with technique and deliberate practice, it can be learned. And when it goes well, it can be like you’re giving someone a gift.

In part one, I said the world would be a better place if people listened better. I mean it at every level, not just big things like ending war and solving climate change. Next time you’re in a meeting where you don’t have to talk much, observe the people who are. Are they talking AT each other? Or are they having a meaningful conversation where there’s give and take? Try to find examples of both, and compare how productive each interaction was. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people spew verbal diarrhea thinking they look smart. I’m positive I’ve done that myself too.

Think about your own experiences too. Have you ever been in conversations where you know the other person isn’t paying much attention to what you’re saying? You can tell, can’t you? Maybe you were tempted to do what Robin Williams does in this clip from the movie Patch Adams (This clip contains PG-13 rated dialogue).

Listening is hard because our brains focus more on what we want to say, than taking in what we’re hearing. We can’t truly listen when we’re busy thinking about what we will say next. It’s just so gratifying to get something off our chest. And when it’s not received, we often say it over and over again to hammer it in. Does this ever work? Maybe sometimes, but only at a surface level.

Try another tactic instead. Listen first to what they’re saying and make it clear that you heard what they’re saying. You don’t have to say you agree, just acknowledge that you heard it. This is part of Stephen Covey’s fifth habit of highly effective people, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” Once they know they’ve been understood, THEY won’t feel compelled to hammer it into YOU, and then they’ll be ready to listen.

How do you make sure they know that you heard them? That’s where active listening techniques are so useful. When I mention active listening to some people, they say, “I can do that. I can listen carefully.” That’s not the same, though. Active listening involves a mix of paraphrasing and clarifying questions. It’s not that complicated, but it does take some practice. Some have told me it makes them feel awkward, or like they’re not contributing new information to the conversation. With some deliberate practice, anyone can get more comfortable doing it and reap the benefits.

Here’s a list of techniques that I’ve referenced when helping people learn this valuable skill. Find someone to practice with. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but eventually, you’ll get used to using certain words and phrases and can make them your own.

TL;DR

Listening is hard because we’re busy thinking about what to say next.

Active listening helps you truly listen to someone AND let them know that you listened.

When you practice active listening, the person you’re speaking with will listen better too.

Action

Try one of the active listening techniques next time you’re in a conversation.

Question

What does it feel like when someone doesn’t listen to you? What do you do about it? Share in the comments!