(2 of 4) Great listening: Empathy makes all the difference in the world
It’s not enough to listen. It’s how you listen.
Usage of the word “empathy” has skyrocketed in recent years. I often cringe when an old word gets popularized and subsequently overused. (I still refuse to use the word “literally” in the modern non-literal sense!) In this case, however, I don’t mind empathy being a fad if it means more people value and employ it.
Do you use empathy in your listening? There’s plenty of information and guidance out there if you’re curious. For example, see here and here. Listening to someone empathetically will deepen your connection with them because they’ll realize that you care about what they have to say.
These days we say that you’re making them feel heard or seen. It could be your manager, your direct report, your husband, your mother, or a complete stranger. Someone, reportedly Maya Angelou, said, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
I learned a lot about empathy in acting classes. It’s not always about being sympathetic or sensitive. It’s more about imagining another person’s point of view. Actors have to employ empathy regularly. Think about it. Their job is to play a character believably. That means they have to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
It can be tough to understand someone different from you. Take an extreme example. In this interview, Joaquin Phoenix explains how he explored the childhood trauma of the character to understand how a person could end up becoming The Joker.
Whenever you watch a movie or a TV show that has a villain or some terrible person, remember it’s an actor playing that person. All the actors I’ve met are perfectly nice law-abiding people (at least so far - fingers crossed!). But they have a job to do. And sometimes that means they have to get into the minds of murderers and other sickos. They can’t think, “I’m playing a horrible person,” because actual horrible people don’t think they’re horrible. They think they do what they do for good reason, however twisted their logic may be. This is true of serial killers, cheaters, bullies, and that politician you despise. The actor playing that awful character has to find a way to connect to whatever human side exists in a person who is capable of terrible actions. That’s empathy. And whether or not you like the movie, Joaquin Phoenix did that beautifully.
If actors can empathize with someone like The Joker, then you can surely empathize with someone sane (or at least less insane, hopefully) like your coworker, manager, mother, or spouse. The next time you wonder how someone could possibly say or write something so ridiculous, take a breath. Imagine what they’re going through, or what their life is like. What are their challenges and struggles? What would you do in their shoes?
TL;DR
Empathy in listening helps build deeper connections.
Empathy is stepping into someone else’s shoes and imagining their point of view.
Action
Practice empathetic listening with the help of the articles here and here.
Question
Think of someone you argue or disagree with a lot. What do you think their perspective is?