Anyone with teenage kids out there? You probably know that getting a response out of them is like squeezing blood out of a rock. I’ve personally been advised to use open-ended questions to avoid the yes/no response, or “fine.” But even then, sometimes all I get is a “I dunno.” 

It’s astounding how immediately you can enjoy the rewards of listening. However, it’s a habit to be built. One successful outing doesn’t necessarily mean it’s part of your nature. To practice it deliberately - while having fun - I highly recommend taking an improv class. In improv, you make up stuff on the spot. In certain activities they do, it’s vital that you pay attention to what other people are saying. Otherwise, the stuff you made up won’t fit in and may fall flat.

Consider long-form improv, specifically. In this style, an improv team puts up a sequence of scenes that are related to each other. For example, the scenes could comprise a full story, like an improvised play or movie. Whether they’re on stage, or waiting off stage to go up, team members must listen carefully to what’s going on. They need to know what’s happened so far, so that they know what will be consistent. This is really hard, because your brain is so busy generating ideas for a later scene.

The improv duo Middleditch and Schwartz performs long-form improv masterfully with only two people. Because they’re only two people, each one plays multiple characters, and neither has a chance to stand by offstage to watch as they come up with new ideas. Here’s a clip (warning: it contains profanity). The full show is on Netflix at the time of this writing (August, 2024).

TL;DR

An improv class is a fun way to exercise listening muscles.

Action

Find an improv class in your area, or DM me for suggestions for online classes.

Question

Have you ever watched an improv show? Share your experience in the comments.

She stopped as if she realized that she was doing all the talking, thanked me, and asked if there was anything she could do for me. The reward from the look of gratitude on her face was all I needed. This was one of the few times I felt like I listened well. It’s hard for a lot of people, myself included. But with technique and deliberate practice, it can be learned. And when it goes well, it can be like you’re giving someone a gift.

In part one, I said the world would be a better place if people listened better. I mean it at every level, not just big things like ending war and solving climate change. Next time you’re in a meeting where you don’t have to talk much, observe the people who are. Are they talking AT each other? Or are they having a meaningful conversation where there’s give and take? Try to find examples of both, and compare how productive each interaction was. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people spew verbal diarrhea thinking they look smart. I’m positive I’ve done that myself too.

Think about your own experiences too. Have you ever been in conversations where you know the other person isn’t paying much attention to what you’re saying? You can tell, can’t you? Maybe you were tempted to do what Robin Williams does in this clip from the movie Patch Adams (This clip contains PG-13 rated dialogue).

Listening is hard because our brains focus more on what we want to say, than taking in what we’re hearing. We can’t truly listen when we’re busy thinking about what we will say next. It’s just so gratifying to get something off our chest. And when it’s not received, we often say it over and over again to hammer it in. Does this ever work? Maybe sometimes, but only at a surface level.

Try another tactic instead. Listen first to what they’re saying and make it clear that you heard what they’re saying. You don’t have to say you agree, just acknowledge that you heard it. This is part of Stephen Covey’s fifth habit of highly effective people, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” Once they know they’ve been understood, THEY won’t feel compelled to hammer it into YOU, and then they’ll be ready to listen.

How do you make sure they know that you heard them? That’s where active listening techniques are so useful. When I mention active listening to some people, they say, “I can do that. I can listen carefully.” That’s not the same, though. Active listening involves a mix of paraphrasing and clarifying questions. It’s not that complicated, but it does take some practice. Some have told me it makes them feel awkward, or like they’re not contributing new information to the conversation. With some deliberate practice, anyone can get more comfortable doing it and reap the benefits.

Here’s a list of techniques that I’ve referenced when helping people learn this valuable skill. Find someone to practice with. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but eventually, you’ll get used to using certain words and phrases and can make them your own.

TL;DR

Listening is hard because we’re busy thinking about what to say next.

Active listening helps you truly listen to someone AND let them know that you listened.

When you practice active listening, the person you’re speaking with will listen better too.

Action

Try one of the active listening techniques next time you’re in a conversation.

Question

What does it feel like when someone doesn’t listen to you? What do you do about it? Share in the comments!

Do you use empathy in your listening? There’s plenty of information and guidance out there if you’re curious. For example, see here and here. Listening to someone empathetically will deepen your connection with them because they’ll realize that you care about what they have to say. 

These days we say that you’re making them feel heard or seen. It could be your manager, your direct report, your husband, your mother, or a complete stranger. Someone, reportedly Maya Angelou, said, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

I learned a lot about empathy in acting classes. It’s not always about being sympathetic or sensitive. It’s more about imagining another person’s point of view. Actors have to employ empathy regularly. Think about it. Their job is to play a character believably. That means they have to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.

It can be tough to understand someone different from you. Take an extreme example. In this interview, Joaquin Phoenix explains how he explored the childhood trauma of the character to understand how a person could end up becoming The Joker.

Whenever you watch a movie or a TV show that has a villain or some terrible person, remember it’s an actor playing that person. All the actors I’ve met are perfectly nice law-abiding people (at least so far - fingers crossed!). But they have a job to do. And sometimes that means they have to get into the minds of murderers and other sickos. They can’t think, “I’m playing a horrible person,” because actual horrible people don’t think they’re horrible. They think they do what they do for good reason, however twisted their logic may be. This is true of serial killers, cheaters, bullies, and that politician you despise. The actor playing that awful character has to find a way to connect to whatever human side exists in a person who is capable of terrible actions. That’s empathy. And whether or not you like the movie, Joaquin Phoenix did that beautifully.

If actors can empathize with someone like The Joker, then you can surely empathize with someone sane (or at least less insane, hopefully) like your coworker, manager, mother, or spouse. The next time you wonder how someone could possibly say or write something so ridiculous, take a breath. Imagine what they’re going through, or what their life is like. What are their challenges and struggles? What would you do in their shoes?

TL;DR

Empathy in listening helps build deeper connections.

Empathy is stepping into someone else’s shoes and imagining their point of view.

Action

Practice empathetic listening with the help of the articles here and here.

Question

Think of someone you argue or disagree with a lot. What do you think their perspective is? 

The world would be a better place if everybody stepped up their listening skills. There would be less violence, less emotional trauma, and fewer wars. It sounds like hyperbole, but it isn’t. 

I don’t expect it to happen any time soon, though. For one thing, many people don’t realize the value of listening. Second, listening with full attention can be genuinely difficult. During a conversation, most people’s brains naturally focus on what they want to say, not on what the other person is saying. And unfortunately, many people assume they’re already great listeners when in fact there is a ton of room to improve. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk.”

But why wait for everyone else? Work on your own listening skills. I guarantee everything will be better for you. Your relationships at work and home will grow deeper. You’ll be more effective at your job. People will like you more. And as strange as it sounds, people will listen to you more when you yourself are a better listener.

While listening skills may be unnatural for many people, they’re totally learnable. Legendary acting teacher Sanford Meisner designed a now famous (among actors) exercise called the “repetition exercise.” Here’s a clip of it. 

Notice that the actors mostly repeat the other actor’s words. Meisner designed the exercise to relieve actors of having to learn lines so they can devote their full attention to the other actor. He wanted his students to listen to their scene partners more because when actors simply blurt out their lines as they rehearsed, it usually looks terrible on stage or screen. 

Simply saying the lines without regard to who you’re talking to looks bad because the script is only the blueprint. The actor’s job is to add to the script by choosing one of an infinite number of ways to say each line. If they do not respond to what their scene partner expresses verbally and physically, then it’s bound to look unreal. 

You may not be performing on stage or the big screen, but if you’re in a two-person conversation I’m betting that you would like it if that conversation built rapport, advanced the relationship, and/or was productive. A bonus would be if the other person felt seen or heard. If you don’t listen to them, none of those will happen.

Next time you’re getting frustrated with a customer, coworker, or manager who isn’t listening to you, think also about how well you’re listening to them. 

TL;DR

Listening well can be hard, but the benefits are staggering.

Listening training exists. Actors learn it and so can you.

Action

Think of one thing you can do to be a better listener.

Question

Do you recall a conversation when you knew the other person didn’t listen well? Drop it in the comments!

Now let’s get to making changes that will make your personal brand more recognizable and help you with a meaningful career journey. The low-hanging fruit is to lean into your natural strengths. What are yours? If you did the adjectives exercise, that’s a great start. But an adjective by itself, even if a positive one, won’t necessarily help drive your company’s goals. For instance, if people see you as kind, that’s certainly not a bad thing. But kindness alone is unlikely to make you credible to your peers or make your manager want to promote you. A reputation based on your strengths will be more powerful for your career.

What is considered a strength in the workplace ultimately depends on your company’s business and culture. Most companies these days value collaboration and teamwork. A strength could include your ability to understand and explain complex ideas, your ability to influence others, your resilience under pressure, or that you’re good at giving brief status updates to upper management. 

Many professional actors do something similar for their careers. I know an actor, a very kind gentleman, who is frequently cast as a villain. Hollywood tends to cast actors based on how they look, and casting directors think the shape of his face makes him believable as an evil person. Whereas many actors would be frustrated by this typecasting, he’s happy to take the roles because he gets paid to act, which is what he loves to do. He leverages his natural strength to further his career.  The video below identifies 10 famous actors who have also made a career off their typecasting.

Ask various people what your strengths are. If 4 of the 5 people independently cite the same thing, take note. Do you agree that it’s a strength? Why or why not? Also, don’t stop at the surface-level behavior. For example, if the feedback is that you’re punctual, what’s the reason for being that way? Are you punctual because you’re enthusiastic about your work? Is it because you value structure and precision? Could it be that you are a realist and you know how to get things done under extreme constraints?

When you identify and embrace your strengths, you’ll be on your way to establishing a distinct brand for yourself.

TL;DR

• A positive attribute or personality trait is not enough to be a strength at work.

• Your strengths are a key part of your identity and reputation, i.e. your “personal brand.”

Actions

• Try the “adjectives exercise.” Get it here.

• Ask people who work with you what they would consider your strengths to be.

Question

What is one strength you wish you could have? Drop it in the comments!

Leave a comment

Share

There may be things that you want to change about yourself to increase your chances of getting hired, promoted, being more influential, or becoming a more effective leader. I’m all for this. But don’t ever deny who you are deep down inside. You can change a lot about yourself and propel your career without altering your essence. If you present a fake version of yourself, people will know. It’s just too difficult to put on a show consistently over the long term.

That’s actually the job of an actor, but over the short term. When they play a character, they often transform how they look, move, and speak to fit the role. But they still utilize elements of their own selves. Jack Nicholson has played over 50 roles in his career, including a private detective, a retired astronaut, a murderous writer, and the Joker. As widely varied as those characters are, I guarantee all of them are undeniably Jack. The video below shows 10 of them.

 Looking at it from the other direction, you may have seen different actors play the same character. You can find examples in the countless reboots and remakes (a topic for another day) of TV shows and movies: Peter Parker, Cruella De Vil, Captain Kirk, Colt Seavers (The Fall Guy), Hamlet, Dr. Who… Each actor plays the character, but brings themselves to the role in a way that nobody else can.

At work, you may have a title that is shared by a gazillion people in your industry or in your company. A simple Google search led me to this article that says there are 698,945 product managers (like me) on LinkedIn as of August 2023. You may share your title with just as many people, if not more. How do you stand out? Start by leaning into your unique self, which is determined by your personality, life experiences, and beliefs. You’ll be developing a brand that is by definition genuine and authentic. 

In the next part, we’ll get more into making changes.

TL;DR

• Embrace your true self. Being somebody that you’re not is unsustainable.

• Because you are unique, you bring elements to your role that nobody else can.

Action

• Try the “adjectives exercise.” Get it here.

Question

What is something about your true self that you wish your coworkers would recognize? Drop it in the comments!

Leave a comment

Share

What you may not realize is that you already have a personal brand. It’s not about the words you say and write. The nonverbal elements are just as powerful, if not more so. People notice how you carry yourself, how you speak, and how you move. They’ll use that, either consciously or unconsciously, to make assumptions about you based on their own experience and perhaps even stereotypes. All this is your brand. It may not be the brand you want, but make no doubt about it, that’s how people see you.

In Hollywood, good actors tell you a lot about their characters without uttering a word. Consider two completely different characters played by the amazing John Turturro: Mr. Monk’s brother Ambrose in the TV show Monk and Jesus in The Big Lebowski. Ignore their lines and clothing. If you watch only their silhouettes and hear only their speech patterns, there is no mistaking one for the other.

Just as each of those characters is unique and distinct, so are you. You have a unique set of life experiences, and that’s what makes you you. There is no one else on the planet exactly like you, with your intelligence, attitude, dreams, and fears. And that affects the way you walk, stand, enunciate your words, project your voice, and express with your face. This is how you come across as a person. Who you are is being projected as part of your brand all the time, whether you like it or not.

If you want to change this accidental brand, the good news is that humans are malleable - if you’re willing to work at it. More about that in future posts.

TL;DR

• You are absolutely unique. No one else in the world shares exactly the same life experiences as you.

• You unconsciously project a version of who you are just by how you speak, move, or even sit.

Actions

• Try the “adjectives exercise.” Get it here.

Question

What are some of the adjectives from the exercise? Did any of them surprise you? Drop them in the comments!

Leave a comment

Share